The Inevitable Farewell: The life of a foreigner in the country of human rights

Uneasy feelings, butterfly in my stomach. 

These past few months have been the hardest. Suddenly life changed, things just don’t seem as they used to be. I finally see the real ‘him’ and I realise I haven’t been feeling the same like 12 years ago when for the first time my feet stepped on this land they claimed the land of the free where everyone is equal. 

Some memories rushing in my mind, some sweet and bitter memories. It has been a 12 years living together when I suddenly realised that I am not in love anymore, and that maybe I have never fallen in love in the first place to begin with. 

Heartbreak is never easy. The journey discovering the truth and the real ‘him’ were never easy too, full of disappointments and aching pains. Finding the lies and finally knowing that I have been living in an illusion that he has smartly designed for me. Finally I see the trap, the chains wrapped around me and the web of deceit surrounding me. All this time I had fallen into a trap and have never realised it.

The understanding came like a glass that slipped down from your grip and crashing violently into small pieces on the floor. It came too late, regrets are all I have. Now the only option I have is to move on and start all over again somewhere. Hoping that this time I will get lucky.

He was the dream of many women. Romantic, beautiful with a bit of arrogant, hard to get, bad-boy attitude. An ace player that will play your heart like a pro. Who knew very well that you are a gentle soul and even though hurt you will keep forgiving and stay for some more. Until the day you feel you have enough and won’t take it anymore. 

It was the finest betrayal. These 12 years of living together was a dream turned into a nightmare when I finally realised he was never into me, that he will never love me back in return. I was just someone too kind that he can take advantage of. Someone not worth of his attention and recognition, someone who will never be given equality because in his eyes I will always be below him. I am his servant, I am his slave. He will always take and take, never give and will never care about how I feel. 

Twelve years is not a short period. I gave birth to children, accustomed to his way of life, his lifestyle, his beautiful vacation spots, his delicious cuisine and got to learn some new things along the way. I made memories. I have already made plans too for the future. Now everything is tumbling down. I have to start with the ‘divorce’ process, dealing with the mourning and the loss of things I have or things in the future that may not be realised because of this separation. 

It is like feeling stabbed right in the center of your heart every time I process this in my mind. Mind can process and accept in the end, faster than the heart could. The heart needs time to mourn, time to let go, time to untangle all the attachments, time to finally accept and begin the process of moving on. And still after all of this long dreary process, sometimes you still looking back. I just hope when I look back, there will be no regret as I have made the right decision and that it will end as a sweet memory part of a growing journey.

The Eye Opener That Leads to The Rude Awakening

It was one of those busy days during the Covid-19 pandemic that I came across this blog from Mediapart. France has gone further on its declining slope when Macron government proposed laws that take citizens freedom and civil rights. The news were filled with this ‘Securite Globale’ law that forbid anyone to film a police officer which give police impunity for their violence towards citizens. In the era of worldwide uprisings, including here in France with the Yellow Vest (Gilets Jaunes) Movement that recently just celebrated its 2 years anniversary it is important to keep freedom, democracy and justice function properly as the case of oppression and violence to civilians have been increasing steadfastly in an unprecedented manner. 

It was just few months ago when a black person George Floyd was gruesomely murdered in USA by policemen that triggered ‘Black Lives Matter’ all over the world, including in France with Adama Traore’s sister leading the protest for the unlawful killing of her brother. Since 2018 France is animated with weekly Yellow Vests’ protests. Recently terrorist attacks were added to the list of serious problems that France has, not mentioning the chaotic handling of Macron and his government to the pandemic and the financial economic crisis this country face. 

Life hasn’t been easy in France for me. I am still in the process of recovering from the fraud of a prestigious university which is considered to be one of the “Grandes Ecoles”. This university does not provide good quality of education and services to its students, but indoctrinate and abuse its students with the rampant sexual harassment and racism culture in the school. This university is the reason why I ended up here in France in the first place. Years later after graduation and seeing how things decline rapidly in France, I regret my choice of university for my master degree that leads to the regret of ever choosing this country to settle in. 

In France, everything is hard to attain because fraud, scam and bad services are the common practice in France. Sometimes I wonder whether I truly live in a developed country in Europe or in a poor undeveloped country where you find scam everywhere. For example it is very difficult to get a driving license here, because the system in place is for all those driving schools to scam you, to not do their job teaching you driving and forever say you are not ready for practical driving exam and thus will never give you exam date after huge amount of money that you spent. After all of that don’t be surprised if some of them also harass and abuse you beside taking your money. The rule has been changed a bit by the government where now you can apply for the practical driving exam yourself, but there has been no reply of an exam date by the prefecture so far. In the end, laws are just there to not really be implemented. Laws are not there to improve lives but to take civil liberties and civil rights.

I can say honestly that we have made efforts but like love life, things just don’t work when the other partner doesn’t feel the same and give you a warm open welcome. We miss the warmth, the sincere hospitality and the general sense of what service is and what service supposed to be. We miss the kindness and other humanity traits we find in other countries, such as those in South-East Asia where the sense of communities is still strong and prevailed. 

Having experience this rough journey, rejection, discrimination and racism, I will never want anyone to experience the same. I certainly don’t want my children to experience the same and growing up in this unhealthy cruel lacking humane environment. I don’t want my children indoctrinated in school and being conditioned to accept to be treated like second class citizens because they are mixed children. I don’t want them growing up in France and finally realising the institutionalised systemic racism as adults such as the experience of this Vietnamese writing this blog in Mediapart I mentioned earlier. I certainly don’t want my daughter to be labelled “petite epouse docile” which means docile partner/wife which is how the French perceive asian women. I don’t want my children when they are adults to face discrimination finding work and getting promotion in the workplace because of their skin colour. I don’t want them to be treated as “travailleur docile, servile et suave”, which means worker with weak and slave mentality eager to serve his colonial master the ‘White French’. 

The abhorrent racism in France is deeply rooted from its colonial past and present neo-colonialism. They don’t learn from history and some subjects such as France’s colonial history, imperialism and war crimes are not taught in schools and these are taboo subjects to talk about in France. Children are brought up in France to be ignorant and having false sense of pride for being French which made them chauvinist, arrogant, feeling superior than other races and nationalities. 

After all that had happened, in the end I have to honestly admit that we need to part ways with France. The relationship with France is like a love relationship with an egoistic partner who will never treat you as equal. Seeing how things evolve in politics and economics, I don’t see a bright future either with France and it seems it is following a gradual decline like its counterparts and allies in the West such as US and UK. 

Thus our journey will be going on another adventure in another country we hope will accept and love us equally. This is my farewell letter to the country that claimed to be the country of human rights. Strangely, suddenly the music player in my computer randomly played Natalie Cole “Starting Over Again”. So long France and embarking on a new adventure.